Slaves to Opposite Attraction
by FengLi
Summary: Iroh is looking forward to his retirement, but on the day his guests arrive he is in for a very nasty surprise that calls upon his experience as a love guru. This story features the legendary love between Zuko and Katara, who have copious amounts of blaringly obvious romance that everyone just fails to see! read:Sarcasm


A/N: It's crack, parody and angst all-in-one.

Time: A day or two after the coronation when they visit Iroh in Ba Sing Se.

* * *

Iroh sighed contentedly at the heartwarming scene.

Never before had so much changed in so little time. Only several years ago had he been at the forefront of the largest invasion in Fire Nation history, commanding tens of thousands of troops ranging from elite imperial firebenders to reluctant conscripts, all of whom were slowly chipping their way through the outer wall of Ba Sing Se towards the agricultural zone. It had all fallen apart, however, when his son Lu Ten had perished in the sudden resistance that sprung up around the first meager breach in the wall.

It had been a long and twisting journey to get to where he was now: an honorary guest of the Earth King (who was still absent on his world-trekking vacation), owner of the best Tea Shop in the city _and _most importantly the Uncle to the newly crowned Firelord and, in all practicality, to all of his friends as well. He couldn't imagine how much his life had would pick up, given his adventures with just _one _nephew, but he knew that he would be there to guide them as long as he could as a friendly face in a world still filled with many unfriendly ones.

But for now, the young heroes seemed to be doing just fine by themselves. After steeping a pot of simmering jasmine tea and serving it out to his guests, he sat back and enjoyed the luminescent sunset, its color complementing the glow in his eyes.

* * *

As melodic strings were poignantly plucked in the background (by who? eh, it doesn't matter), Aang and Katara stood facing each other, a gentle breeze playing with their robes. They had just hugged, but now something more was about to happen. Or _should've _happened.

Aang's heart fluttered wildly as he gently leaned towards Katara. He had been anticipating this moment for almost the entire time since defeating Ozai on the Spirit-forsaken rock formations along the western coast of the Earth Kingdom.

He didn't know how or why Katara had suddenly changed since he had last confronted her on Ember Island, but he didn't care. He was positively giddy at this moment, although he kept a calm demeanor as to not spoil the atmosphere.

_The monks always said to focus on what is, not what was. _He would enjoy this moment for what it could be. He thought that he and Katara would have plenty of time to talk about the past.

They should've been able to.

Unfortunately, he was in for a jarring and unpleasant surprise.

* * *

Zuko played the tsungi horn slowly, a contented smile that was becoming more and more common with each day etched on his lips. He and his friends were finally safe, and the newly formed peace in the world was reflected in his heart. Never had he expected things to turn out so well for him.

His expectations were dead right.

Everything changed (no, not when the fire nation attacked!) when he heard Iroh mutter something about the new dramas coming out on Ember Island, many of which had become extremely popular after the war.

_"Opposites attract." _his Uncle muttered skeptically before tossing a strange scroll aside into a bin marked _place-mats_. With no name on the paper, he had no idea who it had come from, or what the strange message was supposed to mean.

But the damage had already been done.

As Zuko strained to hear what else his Uncle had to say, his mind blanked out as he was forced to fight the overwhelming mental command that had suddenly emerged within him. He might've won had he remembered w_hat_ he had been told to do - but alas, the person who had planted it was far too professional to make such an amatuer mistake as to allow unintended recall.

* * *

_Flashback_

Sadly, it had been simply too great of a distance for Appa to cover so quickly, and Azula had gotten her devious clutches on both Zuko and Katara hours before the Avatar had intervened and forestalled her plan. But being Azula, she always had a backup.

During the Siege of Ba Sing Se, Azula had plotted out a contingency plan in the case of her defeat, however unlikely it was. She had seen the look of impending betrayal in her brother's eyes, the simmering doubt below the surface that he tried so hard to hide. Just so long as she kept an eye on it, it wouldn't be a problem.

_"Bring him to the interrogation room." _A pair of Dai Li clad in their distinctive emerald robes bowed slightly in assent as they brought a muffled but still cognizant Zuko down below and locked him into the interrogation chair.

Azula had a master plan not only to defeat but in addition completely humiliate in the process her brother, the Avatar and anyone who was associated with them. She was a _people_ person - and as much as she knew what people _were, _she also knew what they _weren't _- and she planned to use that to her advantage.

Snickering to herself evilly, she strode into the room and looked into Zuko's eyes. Surprised at her sudden appearance, Zuko couldn't help but look up - and that would prove to be his downfall.

"Opposites _attract_."

Zuko shook his head furiously, his words muffled by the cloth on his mouth.

Azula merely smirked and repeated herself as the lamp slowly wound its way around the circular track. Several hours later Zuko had succumbed out of sheer exhaustion.

"Bring in the Waterbender."

Even though Katara had been chi-blocked, her manipulation proved to be nearly as hard as Zuko's. Even so, by the time the Avatar had arrived, it was too late. Despite her best efforts, the waterbender and the Avatar had managed to escaped safely. But unbeknownst to them, she now had sleeper cells within her enemies' midst that she could activate at any moment.

The moment had been long in coming.

During her childhood, her Uncle had lectured to her endlessly on how affection could inspire great courage and selflessness...but she had quickly figured out that the opposite was also true: spurned love can inspire hate and violence, weakening people's resolve and making them easily susceptible to the voices she knew occupied all minds.

Mai had passed her test at the Boiling Rock flying colors. _So, she does still love Zuko. _  
The Princess knew she could count on Mai to react poorly when the moment came.

And the Avatar? _Please. _After what had happened at Ba Sing Se, the center of his affections would've been blindingly obvious to even the most obtuse country peasant that Azula had reduced to tears during her travels.

So far so good. Everything was going according to plan. _The higher you fly, the further you fall. _She had defeated the Avatar once, and she would do so again.

* * *

After the Agni Kai it seemed that Azula had been defeated beyond question. But at the moment of what had seemed to be her greatest failure at the hand of her brother and the waterbending _peasant_, she had in fact been overjoyed to see that they had appeared _together _to face her. That single fact made everything _so _much simpler...disgustingly easy even. With emotions running so high, she knew it wouldn't take much of a push to nudge people towards the wrong conclusions...

Did they truly think that they could beat _her, _on the day of Sozin's comet no less? If she wanted to, she would've shot them both full of lightning right at the beginning of the match. Did Zuzu _really_ think that he could _win_ just by redirecting a single bolt of lightning? Did the peasant _really_ believe that she didn't know that water was a _very _good conductor of electricity - lightning, specifically?

She had planned it out, taking painstaking caution to mold the situation to her needs. Each aspect of the duel from the apparent psychosis she had emanated to everyone at the beginning to the dangerous-looking lightning she had directed at the end had a purpose.

She knew her father would lose to the Avatar. That in itself was no question.

But she didn't really care, as she had no plans of actually facing the Avatar in his enraged state - in fact, she wanted the Avatar _alive_. _Yes_, he was the most powerful bender in the world, but during the fight in the Crystal Catacombs her suspicions had been confirmed.

Even the strongest rock had a weak point, a tiny fissure or crack that when pressed would cause the rock to implode and crumble apart uselessly. The Avatar had grown much stronger with so much coiled power within himself, but his weakness had also deepened into a gaping chasm. Perhaps if she pressed him just right, nudged him in a certain direction and towards a certain realization, he would destroy himself and everyone around him inadverdently.

What she didn't expect was her father surviving...but she soon realized that that would prove useful. _They_ thought she was crazy, incapable of planning anything even remotely as sophisticated as what was about to hit them. Now an acceptable scapegoat had turned up, giving her even more time before they realized who was _really _behind everything.

Since the time of her 'defeat', she had relished this moment: the moment when all of the gears in her plan would begin turning.

Now her waiting was over and the trap was about to be sprung...and her enemies would soon be fighting amongst themselves.

* * *

As the radiant glow of the sunset shone lazily down on the star-crossed lovers, Azula's tragic scheme began to rear its ugly head. Moments before Aang and Katara could close the distance between themselves completely and lock their lips together, Zuko's voice, strangely garbled and toneless, echoed over the balcony.

_"Opposites attract."_

Aang painfully tore his eyes away from her for a split moment to see Zuko striding slowly towards them, a repetition of his previous words already forming on his lips. _Wha-?_

Unfortunately, he didn't see the way that Katara's eyes glazed over confusedly as she pulled back, or the strange, blank expression that clouded her face as she turned towards the figure stumbling towards them.

By the time he turned back he had missed the one thing that might've prevented his heartbreak. The confusion was gone.

Now, a warm, _intimate_ - sultry even - smile was already plastered on her face, something that even _he _had never seen before_. _Aang was completely at a loss for words at her sudden shift, his large eyes blinking rapidly as if he was trying to clear a bad nightmare. _  
_

However, he soon knew that this was no nightmare but rather a terrible reality. He felt a tightening sensation in his stomach, an apprehension clawing upwards and sucking his breath out. Before he completely lost his voice, he managed to choke out a desperate whisper.

"Katara, what's-" he was cut off when Zuko carelessly shoved him away from the gushing Waterbender, knocking the wind out of him completely. Katara's infatuation with the Fiery Fire Lord seemed to make her want to prance right into his welcoming, muscular arms.

"_Oh, Zuko!"_ she sung flirtatiously, her unnaturally sweet voice sounding like a gentle balm to nobody's ears. Zuko huskily growled her name in response, his entrancing voice layered with suppressed need as he embraced her tightly, _his _lips stealing what should've been Aang's...and then some, causing Aang to cringe unconsciously. Katara responded enthusiastically, sighing into his domineering embrace as the helpless, submissive woman she had shown herself to be during the past year.

To the casual observer, their well-foreshadowed intimacy could've filled countless volumes with details of their mutual passion for one another or provided an appropriate doctorate thesis for the scientifically indisputable chemistry of romance...not that anyone would've bothered to read any of it. But then there's always an exception, as one man's sewage is another's food for thought.

Barring all of that, the scene was nevertheless unspeakably tragic for Aang...and more than a little unnerving.

For a moment, all the young Avatar could do was to stare in horror as two of his best friends gnawed each other's faces off, the copious steam produced by their exothermic interactions already billowing around to create an unbreakable romantic abode.

* * *

End of Chapter 1, review if you have any thoughts, suggestions and/or criticisms.

Billy Mays: But wait, there's more!


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